I went to the backyard to the heap of red mud; they said they kept my husband in. I came with a planned speech, a declaration of my love for him; if I had done anything he should forgive me and come back so things can be okay.
Let everything go back to the way it was. But as always I lost focus and broke down on his grave. My tears and saliva and sweat fell copiously on the red soil just as they same soil clung to my clothes, in-between my toes, and every other open random location on my body.
I would go and visit Jide in his new house and we would talk as usual. The only difference was that he was under the pile of dust that I spoke to and his voice was in my head. Mother saw everything but said nothing. To her, that was my way of coping, her way was burying her head in her bible and hanging crosses and rosaries on every doorway in the house.
My nightmare was now my reality I thought to myself as I headed to Jide’s grave for an evening session. There was a huge load of guilt that lay on my shoulders that day, maybe I let him die? That Friday night; before he left, He stood by the door of our bedroom, briefcase in hand.
With a torn look on his face as if leaving me would literally kill him. “Are you sure you’ll be fine? It’ll be just you and Mama in the house,” he said for the umpteenth time.
“Yes, I’ll be fine,” I said somewhat irritated.
“Are you sure you’ll cope without me?” his voice forlorn.
“Yes baby, I’ll be fine. Now get going before you miss your flight,” I said shoving him out the door. He held me in place and looked deep into my eyes. Like he could see right through me, I looked away because I felt naked and vulnerable under his gaze but he brought his lips to mine. The kiss ended with an audible smack and a slightly dizzy me.
“I really, really don’t want to go,” he finally said before he left.
“Ego! ahn ahn are you not going to answer my question?!”
“Sorry mum, you were saying?”
She lets out a deep breath and looks at me through squinted eyes, searching for something.
“I heard voices in your room last night.”
“Voices?” I reply a little unsure of where the conversion is going.
“Yes, giggling and laughing, anyway when are you going to start dating?”
“Mummy! Not again… is that why you made me breakfast? Ehn? So you can cajole me to cheat on my husband?”
“Ego, my dear child…Jide is dead!”
“Stop it! Stop It! Stop telling lies. I know you don’t like him… you’ve never liked him. So just stop.”
“Ego I worry about you, it’s been fifteen months now. You have to move on. Let him go. Please.”
She waits for an answer and even though she gives me all the time in the world I say nothing. I know she’s right, I know Jide is gone but I can’t let him go. I won’t let him go.
I spent all my life searching for Mr. Perfect and here he is, just not the way I planned.
Concluded
Thanks for reading!
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